7 Steps for Responding to Conflict
Conflict is inevitable. Do you have the right leadership skills to overcome disagreements with others?
By Anna RobinsonWhy does handling conflict matter?
I think a lot about conflict. For three reasons. I value peace in my life. I value the great thinking that emerges from different perspectives coming together. I care about the people around me, many of whom are emerging from under their covid rocks with lower resiliency and greater anxiety…precursors to more conflict.
Creating conditions for productive, peaceful debate is critical for us to thrive as humans, and for the success of our work.
As a leader, you must know how to handle conflict for yourself, and for your teams.
So what is conflict?
Conflict is when two opposing views are presented without apparent compatibility or resolution. This results in struggle and a pattern of negative feelings.
We’ve all felt conflict and witnessed conflict. And the acute lack of peace than ensues.
So why does conflict occur?
People have different thought processes, attitudes, understanding, interests, requirements and even sometimes perceptions and interpretations of facts. That is normal and healthy.
Yet, at times they are unable or unwilling to find a middle ground or compromise to move forward.
Perhaps one has more power and makes a unilateral decision, that the other cannot accept.
To find clues as to why these disagreements are not resolved, think about the following conditions that lead to more conflict:
You’re really tired, feeling less patient or willing to engage with your team member who pushes back on you.
The stakes are really high. This causes a sense of anxiety, so you are more dug into what you see as the right answer.
The decision is very urgent. You don’t have time to get into what the other person is debating… and you’re pretty sure you’re right.
You have a history with this person…and don’t really trust their perspective of how they engage with you.
Sound familiar?
What is underpinning these situations when conflict most often arises?
Essentially four things:
1. Lack of listening.
2. Lack of empathy.
3. Lack of communication.
4. Lack of creative thinking.
These are all harder when we are tired or hungry. Harder when we feel stressed. Harder when we have unaddressed tension with a person.
How do we stop conflict?
Well, remember the beginning? We value the great thinking that emerges from different perspectives. So, some conflict is GREAT. We don’t want to stop it. And it would be an impossible task given the essence of humanity with different perspectives. Let’s reframe the question.
The better question is – how do we make conflict productive?
Next time in the moment, let’s think about the 7 steps for responding to conflict in the moment.
1. Breathe
This helps us move away from our reptilian response – our natural fight or flight tendency when we feel attacked. This gives you time to do the next step.
2. Check in with yourself
Are you rested? Are you hungry? Is there something else more urgent that is more on your mind? Are you in a place to have this discussion now, with physical and mental equilibrium? If not, you can transparently share that. “I really want to understand where you are coming from on this, and I am just not in a good place right now to do you justice and listen fully – given we don’t have to have an answer until next week, can we please schedule time tomorrow to explore further?”. Do you have time and space to work through this now? If not, it is ok to make a decision, but you must revisit the topic. Unresolved conflict is toxic and self-perpetuating at that future time, understanding the other person’s view can inform future decisions and ensure there is no built-up negativity.
3. Ask questions
If you are physically and mentally able to explore the conflict and have time, start with questions. This helps to understand and creates time and space for you to move beyond your gut reaction, towards a measured response. “What if” questions can be a great way to frame hypotheticals and find areas of compromise, with more creative thinking. With empathy, listening and curiosity we can nearly always find a path forward… this is even more critical when it comes to creating an inclusive environment. It may take more digging to get to understand people with very different experiences, cultures or backgrounds than your own.
4. Listen to understand, Check in with your assumptions
What story are you telling yourself? As you try to listen, are you already expecting a certain pattern from this person? Do you have a history of conflict? Are you waiting to jump in, as you presume to know their answer? Can you articulate why this person has come to this conclusion? Do they have different experiences? Different facts? Different understanding of facts? Different priorities?
5. Observe your physical reaction and share
Despite listening and asking questions, you may still feel a strong reaction. This typically manifests physically and mentally. Is your heart racing? Palms sweaty? Tap footing? Cheeks flushing? Can you feel your “blood boiling”? Do you feel offended or slighted? If so, it can be powerful to acknowledge the feeling (and potentially observe it in the other person). “I am not sure exactly why, but I can feel myself getting really defensive, or frustrated”. Perhaps grab a glass of water and give yourself a moment to go back to step 1! Sharing helps you manage your own response, but also models vulnerability which helps establish more trust with the other person.
6. Get specific
Articulate the parameters of the decision – what is the actual difference, and what matters about it? Does it require a resolution? Often conflict bubbles over, and the point of difference is much smaller when you get into the nitty-gritty.
7. Humble and grateful
It is great to share if you think you made a mistake, or if you’d like to go back and think more about it. Or if you would like more information. Share that you are rethinking your answer and need more time. When you are ready to move on, or you have found a resolution, take a moment to thank the other person for talking with you for their patience in explaining, and for listening, no matter what the answer is.
After the moment of conflict
Reflect by yourself. How did you feel? How did that show up physically in your body? Did you ask questions and explore why the other person had that opinion?
Reflect together. When you’ve had a little distance, try being brave in asking the other person to debrief with you. Especially if you sense emotional content that was unresolved.
Seek feedback. You can ask the other person or even others who were witnesses, how you might handle things differently.
Build trust. Conflict in the moment sits in the context of history. The more trust you have with each other, the easier it will be to listen and seek to understand. Trust comes from vulnerability and shared experiences. Work on your relationships, new or old, to deepen the trust levels.
For conflict among others on your team
Don’t ignore. It can be tempting to try to move on from conflict or sweep it under the rug. It often feels uncomfortable, but the compassionate thing to do is to help your team work through this. It will lead to better team morale and productivity over time. You can be bold in helping your team pause and work through conflict. You can ask: “I observe that you have different opinions, and I sense some emotion around it. Let's grab coffee, and then we’ll come back and talk through the question together, to help understand where each of you is coming from. Is that ok? Do you both have time to spend a few minutes on this?”.
Lead with inclusivity. Look out for the more comfortable people having a voice that always wins. Create space to ask questions and listen to those with less represented voices, perspectives, and identities. When you notice someone’s view being dismissed – call it out – create space for that view to be heard and explored.
Role-model. As a leader, don’t forget you set the tone. How you handle conflict will be observed. Do you use hierarchy to force your answer through? Do you listen carefully? Do you seek to clarify? Do you address it at that moment? Do you tell people openly when you are too exhausted or hungry to get into a difficult conversation?
Practice. Role-playing situations is a powerful way to practice and build the muscle of breathing, checking in with yourself, and asking questions. Try monthly team-building sessions where you have your team play specific roles to challenge each other!
Build trust. Just as for individuals, as a leader, you can be deliberate in building trust across your team. Spend time together outside of core work activities. Provide opportunities to get to know each other with more vulnerability (which you may have to kick off and role-model yourself, especially to create more psychological safety).
Does your team currently have a strategy on how to handle conflict?
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